i wanted to run. i wanted to shout. my heart wants to burst out of my thoracic cavity. it's like having some invisible hand squeezing all the blood out of it causing it pain, and depriving my other organs with blood and oxygen as it pressed upon the different blood vessels. my brain wants to explode as various emotions coupled with the bittersweet memories started flooding it. i urged myself not to think. i pushed myself not to feel. but all efforts were futile. it only depleted what's left of my energy. the pain just keeps on coming. hitting me like the vicious waves against the seawall. i was cold, but not cold enough to numb all my nerve endings from the agony i was going through. then i felt something wet streaming down my cheeks. i didnt even realize i was crying. i angrily wiped away the tears not wanting to look helpless and weak. but my tear ducts just wont cooperate. instead, it provided an endless stream of salty tears down my already sodden cheeks. then i felt a change. the heaviness inside my heart and the pounding in my head started to slowly subside. i surrendered myself to sobbing. the tears seems to have carried with them all the bitterness and pain i was suffering. and as they fall, it eased all the misery i felt. the tears continued to fall. until i fell into the brink of unconsciousness and finally i felt PEACE.
Currently [ melancholy ] will it last?
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i downed two bottles of beer. gulped them wanting to escape the
misery and pain. if there is temporary relief from what i feel, then
maybe, just maybe, liquor would be my refuge.
as i drowned myself with the bitter
liquid, i was reminded of the bitterness i've kept hidden beneath my
soul. flashbacks of my agonizing fears came to surface until i can
control it no more. i broke down into hysterics.
what i've kept hidden was unleashed as it flashed its mighty fangs into my being. all the years of silence was fragmented by a shrill scream. the scream of a girl with a broken heart.
slowly i felt my body becoming heavy and my head clouded with visions of pain. then everything before my eyes turned black. all black. and the numbness came.
hours passed and i lay there lifeless. but not for long.
as i rose up from the place i've fallen, i feel the numbness slowly easing out of my body. reality is trying to settle. i tried to hold on to the feeling of feeling nothing. but pain is vicious. it silently seeped its way back into my veins. my temporary relief had ended.
as i sobered up, i grimaced as shots of needle-like pain sliced through my head. my brain wanted to burst and my heart just cant stop aching. my whole body felt like lead and i cant seem to think straight. i doubled over as i struggled to regain my balance. this is the great price i have to pay just for wanting to experience momentary numbness.
i vowed to myself: NOT TO GET DRUNK EVER AGAIN.
***this
entry has nothing to do with me. the words just came rushing to me
while i was lying in bed and staring at the whiteness of my bedroom
ceiling. i call it inspiration. maybe i'll really start writing
something. besides, i had always been fascinated with the way writers
brought to life their imagination through the use of words. i envy
them. i know im not good. but that doesnt mean i cant try, right?***
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i wanna run away
leave everything behind
start again new
never looking back
forget the heartaches
forget the pains
live no regrets
just seize the day
i dont need your memory
to cloud my mind
i will not look back
coz i want to run away
to seek refuge to a place of peace
to find solace in the comforts of silence
ill live my life the way i should
never letting others dictate what i couldnt
please let me be
please let me free
i want to run away
if thats the only way to forge
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kbaw man ko na lagot au ka nako. ug d tka ma-blame if mao na imo na-feel. daghan man ko sala nimo pero u should try to think pud na dli lang ako ang nagkuwang.
im not the type of person na masuko lang na wala reason. i have my reasons everytime masuko ko nimo. i have reasons why badlongon tka usahay. im trying to make us work. but in the end, imo g-interpret tanan nakong gibuhat as bati. ug sakit jud au na.
i never tried so hard for anything before, until nagkakita. didto na ko kaexperience na cge ko try na ma-ok ta. try na makahelp ko nimo. try na magkakuyog ta. try na mahapi ta. try na maka-makeup ko sa akong mga sala.
pero still in the end, all the trying was futile.
ako japn c kontrabida.
mao btaw na mupalayo ko nimo everytime sapoton ko tungod kay mahadlok ko nai masulti na bati dha nimo. niiwas ra man ko ana. amin ko nga naa koy blema pagcontrol sko temper. ug the best way akong mathink para makaiwas ug heated conversation nimo, is to walk away. pero nisabot ba ka sko reasons. in the end, imo to githink as my way of making pakauwaw nimo.
wa man tika pakauwawi. ug its not my fault if makhibaw akong mga friends na nag-away na sad ta. coz obvious man jud na f d ta magkuyog o nai gap. i dont need to tell them na nag-away ta, para lang makahibaw cla. they're not blind. they're also not stupid and insensitive.
time. u never gave me time. o magcge ta kuyog. but what i wanted is time alone with you. coz everytime magkuyog ta, nai daghan taw. all i wanted is time with you. but everytime makakuyog ta nga kita ra, ur mind is not with me. lain imo ithink. ug frustrating au na sko part na naningkamot para mka spend ta ug time.
where were you when i needed your help? kung naa ka blema, i was more than willing to give my time to help you. bsan naa pud ko buhaton, unahon bya tka. pero kadtong nagcge ko text nimo and kelangan tka, asa man ka?
mas importante para nimo ang githink sa laing taw kysa sa unsa akong na-feel. conscious au ka sa isulti sa uban taw about nimo. pero wa ka nimind everytime nai bati ipanulti ang mga taw about nako. pero ako, dghan na au nakaaway tungod kay gidefend tka.
ug kani karon ang pnakasakit. nalipay ka sa thought na nalooy ang mga taw nimo ug ako ang bati sa ila panan.aw. ana jud diay ka? my downfall is ur happiness?
then kadtong niduol ko nimo. u said napasaylo na ko nimo. then suddenly imo ko ingnan na dako au ka kalagot nako. plastic na diay ka nako? kadto nga time ra ka nagplinastic? or sukad pa sa sugod all of the things u showed me were LIES?
sakit au. kbaw ko nasakitan pud ka. naa pud bya ko mga sala ug pagkuwang nimo. pero i hate it everytime feel nimo ikaw ra ang nasakitan. can u at least look at me and see that i am also suffering? can u at least be sensitive to my feelings? can you at least thnk of me as a person?
sakit na jud au. ug ambot hangtod asa nako ni makaya.
d nako. sakto na. mamatay na ko ani imo gpangbuhat nimo nako. kapoi na jud au ko.
nitry na ko. nisorry na ko. nitry na ko ug change. if after all ana nga effort, bati lang japn ko, then i guess i have to give up. coz d na jud nako kaya.
padaun lang ta masakitan.
pero mangtana lang ko. gi-love ba jd ko nimo? if yes, then y man harsh au ka nako? just because maau au ka nako before, mao na makajustify sa imo ka harsh nako karon?
gi-love ba jud ko nimo? if yes, then y man puro lang bati about nako imo bantayan?
gi-love ba jud ko nimo? if yes, y man d ko nimo maforgive?
y man in.ana ka nako?
did you really love me? or everything are lies?
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i hate my life. i hate my love. i hate everything connected to my being alive.
i just want to die.
i want to go in a world where i wont feel anything.
anything that offers me numbness is welcome as of this moment.
im so much filled with frustration and pure anger that i want to shout at the top of my lungs and scream whatever emotions that is taking over my sanity.
i hate my life. yes i do. before i met him i never gave value in living. i lived because i was supposed to. but there was never a purpose. but he changed all that. it was like living and existing because someone needs me to. he needs me to. that without me, his existence would also be of no meaning. but now, as im left alone, empty and broken, i dont find any justification of my life.
even my dreams are not enough to make me stand again. to face the world whole again. im just plain broken and empty.
plus now. i feel so worthless. people around me dont see my worth. people around me doesnt understand my pains. people around me looks at me with negative judgment in their eyes.
i dont have reason to be here anymore. even God seemed to have forgotten about me.
no matter how many time i pray to HIM, there was always no answer. no assurance that things will soon be okay.
yes im hopeless. im hopelessly dead.
im blaming everyone even Him which i am fully aware is a great mistake that i would soon pay heavily. but i dont care anymore. besides, why should i care when no one else does.
i really just want to let go of everything. the pain. my life.
i wanna be free.
i just want to breathe my last. to eternity.
Currently [ miserable ] will it last?
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